These surreal little kicks inside me have me in an flood of emotions. Who is this little baby that is so eager to make his/her way out into our world? We didn’t find out the sex of either one of babies until they came. I consider myself pretty intuitive but I had no idea with either pregnancy if we were going to be welcoming a girl or a boy. I love not knowing, the anticipation brings me childlike joy.
Days before I delivered I was starting to get hit with pregnancy withdrawal. What is with things coming to an end that makes us appreciate them so much more? I was suddenly more aware than ever of this new life growing in my belly.
I’m a strong believer in maintaining a positive state of mind during pregnancy. I believe it influences the baby physically and spiritually and the quality of my pregnancy. I’m very protective over my mental state during these fragile few months. Anything that causes the slightest bit of discomfort or negativity is entirely blocked out. It’s like survival instinct. I consciously try to remain as patient and appreciative, in my happy little bubble for the sake of my baby. More so than ever in the last few months. I was able to remain in that state for my delivery and boy did it come in handy.
7 hours of epidural free labour, patience and positivity was my only antidote.
Baby was looking a bit small so I was induced a couple of weeks early. My contractions started immediately after my second dose. They were every couple of minutes for the first hour and the remaining 6 hours of labour they were under 60 seconds. And I felt it all as my husband helplessly sat by my side.
But first things first, I needed my mommy.
I joke that my mama is my epidural but she really, truly is. She knows right where to touch to sooth the pain, her comforting voice praying by my side the entire time filled me with the ability to endure the pain. With my eyes closed and my hands clenching my husbands, her voice was my only focus during the last two unbearable hours before delivery. I’m not going to lie – I was starting to consider the epidural… but I opted for the warm whirlpool instead. The bubbling water massaging my body was a much-needed change from the hospital bed.
I started to think back to the moment I had Aaliyana. Back to when the doctor passed her onto my chest as soon as I delivered her. When the pain didn’t matter so much anymore. I replay that moment in my head all the time. I’d never felt that feeling before and I couldn’t wait to feel it again. I knew I just had to breath and get through this and I could go back to that moment again.
I barely made it out of the whirlpool and into the delivery room before baby came. The doctor made it into the room just in time to help Ken cut the cord. My delivery, unlike my labor, was thankfully quick. Before I knew it I was finally in the moment I was anticipating the entire 9 months. It wasn’t the same feeling I had with Aaliyana, this was different. This time I wasn’t as confused or scared. This time it felt natural- I got this.
Between the cries of gratitude and the sweet relief of pain I didn’t even know if I had a girl or a boy for several minutes. I checked myself and for some reason needed validation from the doctor as well. I can’t believe we have a boy! I have never in my life seen Ken smile so big.
Baby Zayden latched on right away. The way a new born baby clenches onto you for dear life is why I love nursing my babies so much. They never hold you like that again, no one does. I nursed Aaliyana for 15 months. I think it’s my favorite part of being a new mother. Weaning Aaliyana off was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I cried for weeks, I didn’t want to stop. I still get emotional thinking about it. I loved every bit of it and I missed it so much. I’m so grateful to be nursing again. No matter how hard it gets this is something that I will never get back or be able to recreate. It’s now or never.
These next few sleepless nights are usually the toughest to get through. They are also what I always end up missing the most. When all they want is Mama.
So I’ll be here.. awake all night teetering in and out of sleep.. trying not to take any of it for granted.
I love this and I love them. How long do I have to wait before my next one?